Please don't get angry at me after reading this

Been deliberating for very long whether to write about the following subject. Not sure if it is very wrong or heartless but I thought that by writing down I might figure out why I feel the way I feel.

Yes its about the tsunamis.

And no I have to admit I am not badly affected emotionally by it. As much as I would like to feel sad, after searching my heart, I can't find that I am badly affected by it. When I first heard the news, it was on the way to London from Manchester and I managed to catch some of the places which were affected and I was what the fuck? So many places affected? Singapore all right or not? The earthquake itself should at worst result in tremors, but the tsunamis? When I reached my room and saw that Singapore was not affected, that was it; "heng ah".

Is there something wrong with me? Perhaps it's because I don't read the news regularly anymore. I don't have a tv in my room and so I don't catch British news either. Staying in my room all day has a sheltering effect on me. Not being exposed to any negative images means I don't know anything. It wasn't until my friend sent me some links to dl some videos of the tsunamis (apparently one of those who took the videos did not survive) that I was like "oh shit", it really is very jia lat. I started reading more from the Straits Times website, but still I can't say that I feel as sad and troubled as I SHOULD be whenever a disaster happens. I feel relief that Singapore is not hit, and thankful when I found out my friend actually visited Penang and left on 24th before the tsunamis hit. But beyond that, my life still went normally. I still went shopping during the post-Christmas sales; I was still in a dilemma about spending on that cheap pair of pants; I was as usual scrapping around for tickets for United matches; my life went on as per normal.

Am I a heartless person? I think I am in general. Beggars on the streets of London disgust and irritate me more than I feel pity for them. But have I always felt heartless whenever disasters strike? I don't think so leh. I felt very sad during 911, felt very sad during the Madrid bombings and also the Bali bombings. Sometimes those stories about soldiers who died or were ijured in wars in Iraq and Afghanistan also make me rather sad. I felt more terrible then than I do about this tsunami episode. Ironically since this time it is so much closer to home than most of the other incidents that I had listed. And also because the death toll from the tsunamis is much much higher than those terrorist attacks/wars?

Perhaps the amount of media coverage I am exposed to makes a difference. But I think more importantly, I feel anger more than I feel sadness/sympathy. And to put it crudely, there is nothing for me to be angry about in this tsunami disaster. Who am I supposed to get angry at? The tectonic plates? The sea? The geography experts for not warning us earlier? God or Buddha or whoever up there who let people die? I can't. It's a natural disaster. It happens. I feel some sadness and sympathy but not a lot because I am a heartless person. I get angry more easily but there is nothing for me to be angry about here.

When it comes to those terrorist bombings and wars and to a certain extent epidemics like Sars and bird flus, I feel much much more strongly about them. I feel du lan, I feel anger. Unlike natural disasters, they don't just happen for no reason. They happen because some of us humans feel stupid enough to believe that we will go to heaven because we kill another fellow human being. They happen because some of us feel stupid enough to support a dictator and to carry on the war, delaying much needed development in our country. They happen because some bastards somewhere decided it was good to eat weird animals instead of just eating normal food and thus introducing more funny diseases into the human chain. In short, they can be avoided, if only some of us can take our head out of our asses to assess the options. (Perhaps my view is too simple and stupid as I don't understand all the issues at hand but as far as I can understand, they can be avoided) I feel anger at why humans are still finding 1001 ways to kill each other when Mother Nature has already more than enough ways to kill us. (Ironic because I supported the war on Iraq because I want Saddam to be removed. Perhaps I am a hypocrite.)

For example, after reading the tsunami reports, I found an article a few days ago about how China will go to war to crush any Taiwanese independence. Today there were reports about suicide car bombings in Saudi Arabia. It's these incidents that get me more riled up than natural disasters. I am not undermining the significance of the efforts of the people who are helping the victims or saying that they need not bother just because it's a natural disaster. Just that I don't feel as sad as I should be because it really can't be helped, unlike terrorist bombings and wars.

I am heartless.