When reality clashes with idealism...

Once upon a time, there was a course in the Economics Department in UCL called Economic Policy Analysis:

The course aims to provide final year students with the opportunity to explore the way in which economic theory and evidence can be used to analyse topical policy issues. The course should be of particular value to students who intend to work as professional economists in government departments or other agencies, where they will be expected to provide economic analysis and advice on specific issues of policy, including new and unfamiliar issues about which textbooks say very little.

Wow! Sounds interesting yeah? And in truth it is.

BUT it has no fixed textbook (duh! the introduction already says so!). Need to go library to find readings, and there are tonnes of readings to do. And there is a part on analysis of an unseen document in the exam. So guess what I did?

I took
1. Urban economics (just need the textbook)
2. Maths (no reading at all, no textbook, just do questions)

I hate taking the easy way out all the time. But I just cannot help it. At the end of the day, grades matter. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I can't tell myself that doing a lot of work is worth it if the subject is interesting. So much for being positive about this academic year :S

Remember the time when you were in kindergarten and lower Primary? The time when you stepped and walked on the TOP of monkey bars instead of merely hanging from them? The time when you climbed tress in school or climbed the structure holding the basket of the basketball court? The time when you SMUGGLE rubber balls to school to play football even though the school bans them?

Remember how much energy, courage and ingenuity (is there such a word?) that you had at that time? Stupid school rules (ban balls?!?! ban country flag erasers?!?! ban Dragonball cards?!?!) were meant to be broken. Obstacles were meant to be overcome. Structures and everyday stuff had uses other than what they were meant for.

But what happened in the intervening years? Years when responsibilities were added to our shoulders. Responsibilities as "representatives of our school" (CANNOT tuck out shirt! WEAR your school badge!!) Responsiblities as filial children (your PARENTS work so hard for you!! how can you not study hard???). Responsibilities towards your CCA (cross country finals coming! Cannot waste energy playing football!! Must train!!).

Years in which the fear of failure was instilled deep within us. Fail your mid years in Sec 4 will mean affecting your overall Prelim score, which will affect your chance of getting into a good JC in the first 3 months, which will mean that you will have to play catch up with those who were already in the JC for 3 months even after you score well in O levels, which will mean you put your chances of doing well in A levels in jeopardy, which in turn means you might not be able to get into university. Causes and effects, actions and consequences. Very clear cut, very cruel. There's no running away from it. So what do you have to do? Keep on running, try to stay ahead of the rest. What an irony.

Years when you were introduced to the harsh realities of the outside world. University graduates are everywhere on the streets now. (And the government is still not satisfied!) If you do not graduate, go be office boy, take home $1000+ Who the fuck wants to marry you? Who the fuck do you think you can support? Even better would be to do a post grad and STAY AHEAD. Grades are the most important thing, other things are secondary. INCLUDING your emotional development, your social development. ITS OK to be a nerd/egoistic bastard/selfish prat/irritating twat/scheming liar/hypocrite/ or just a plain loser... AS LONG AS YOU HAVE THE GRADES, NOBODY would say ANYTHING. YOU would have the LAST LAUGH. But you know what's the most laughable thing of all? When you think you have done all that is required to MAKE IT, you find that all those things that you consciously or subconsciously ignored or neglected all those years ago are EXACTLY what other people look out for. Scholarship boards look out for people with leadership potential, with the ability to APPLY what they have learnt. Girls look for guys who are sensitive/caring blah blah blah. All the time spent in making that 75 marks into 95 marks turned out to be futile. It would have been better spent in your CCA room. All the time spent in solving those ridiculously difficult/what's the point Physics Olympiad questions could have been spent talking cock with your friends in the canteen instead. Social skills you say. So in the end what happens? You are fucked.

And perhaps the harshest reality of all. You CAN'T fulfill your dream of being a football player or a manager of Man United/Barcelona/AC Milan/Real Madrid. There is simply no future in it in Singapore. When your school banned any balls (so that you all won't accidentally kick out of the bball court, onto the road, and thus put yourselves in danger by trying to go out of school to pick up balls) so that you all can't play football, kids of the same age in other countries are already trapping full sized balls in professional academies. Is it any wonder?

Years in which you just get lethargic of work, sick of learning, scared of playing, while at the same time shouldering more and more expectations and responsibilities which you were completely ill-prepared for.

Is this an excuse for me to take the easy way out all the time?