Straits Times articles galore again

Ok blog spurt....because I am going to Amsterdam for 3 days and to prevent my legion of readers from suffering from TosH deficiency syndrome, I have decided to be kind to blog exactly 3 entries today :D So read slowly ok? I won't be responsible for any indigestion if you behave like a greedy kid and read all at once hor!

Instead of reading up on my Industrial assignment for which I am so screwed (in short, I am leaving for Amsterdam tonight, coming back on Monday night, and my assignment which is damn fucking long is due on Wednesday), I surfed around Straits Times and found the following articles:

Written by Janice Wong :P

Jan 31, 2005

When Mr Right comes at the wrong time

Timing is everything, even in love. And when you are not ready to commit, you could end up regretting it

By Janice Wong

SOMETIMES, timing rather than love decides who we end up being with - or without.

Only some lucky people marry the loves of their lives. The rest marry the most suitable person who comes along when they are ready to settle down.

A friend in his 20s came to this conclusion after confiding in me that he had recently met a woman who is more attractive than his wife, and so occupies his thoughts more often than his wife does.

'If only I had met her before I got married,' he said wistfully.

But I think even if the love of one's life appears when one is single, one may not be in the right frame of mind to recognise him or her as such.

And then love passes by.

Life is littered with near misses and lost opportunities.

I attended my ex-boyfriend's wedding last month, which triggered many memories.

We met five years ago when I was 23 and he 31. It was love at first sight.

He had an established career, was down-to-earth and steadfastly religious.

I was then working as an air stewardess and my head was - literally and metaphorically - in the clouds.

I was also - well, let's put it this way - not religious.

Despite our differences, we were soulmates. We had the same quirky sense of humour and shared long, intense overnight conversations.

But human nature is perverse. When someone is excessively nice to us, we start taking things for granted, instead of appreciating them even more.

My ex sent me to the airport, fixed my PC, reminded me to take health supplements - and go to church.

He had everything I could want in a husband - except that I was not looking for one. A boyfriend was all I could cope with then.

I loved fast cars, danced wildly at Zouk and took off on shopping holidays at a whim. My life revolved around I, me and myself.

In the six months that we were together, he popped the question several times and talked ad nauseam about having children. He wanted us to enrol for a Christian marriage preparation course.

Yes, I did often fantasise about a Vera Wang wedding gown, but I was at that stage of my life when I was more interested in Guess than Baby Guess.

And where - dare I admit it? - I still wanted to meet other men.

So I was a 23-year-old with the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old. Responsibility? Wasn't that for adults?

In short, I met Mr Right at the wrong time.

The more he talked about marriage and religion, the more I felt pressured and the more pressured I felt, the more irritable I became.

I was too impatient to compromise. Every trivial matter blew up as a big deal. My mood obliterated the good in our relationship and reached a point where I just wanted out.

He was heartbroken; I was sad but relieved. He still called me regularly, beseeching me to change my mind.

The calls stopped finally after a year. Now and then, we say 'Hi' via e-mail.

I had a few painful relationships after that. Served me right, as those rude wake-up calls were necessary for me to realise the meaninglessness of my hedonistic high life.

I missed the tenderness of my ex and began having second thoughts.

Perhaps I also felt more urgency to find someone marriageable before my biological clock reached zero hour. It dawned on me that I am not a pixie like Peter Pan who can flit around forever. One day, I'd wake up sick and alone when my fair weather friends flit away.

But I was too proud and too unsure of my ex's reaction to call him until last year.

The first thing he told me excitedly was that he had found The One. My heart tumbled to my feet. So, that's Fate.

If only I could turn back time. If only I had met him later. If only... what feeble words.

These days, I am more circumspect. I have come to terms with my loss. There is nothing I can do about timing, but I can do everything about my choices.

Sometimes, when the nights get lonely, I toy with the idea of marrying a platonic friend of mine, who often assures me earnestly that, if the worst comes to the worst, he'd be willing to marry me.

But I always dismiss that. I have already made one mistake. I should not make another by settling for second best merely for the sake of getting hitched - only to regret it soon after, as the guy who confided in me did.

Hopefully, the best is not over but yet to be.

Well, I think most of you have heard me talk about timing before. About how as you grow older, if you are still unattached, you more likely to adopt the saying "bo heur, hei ma ho" (no fish, shrimp also can), and settle down with the best available person there is around you. So I guess there is no need for me to add anything else. However, what is perhaps slightly disturbing is that Janice Wong is not too bad looking herself *gulp* If she has noticed this situation and is sort of in it herself...then what hope do the rest of us ordinary/ugly looking folk have?

Which brings me to the next article...

From The Straits Times:

Jan 17, 2005

The good, the bad and the ugly

Sure, they're nice to look at. But do good-looking people necessarily make good partners?

Teo Pau Lin

THERE are two things that average-looking people like to say about good-looking people.

First, they're probably dumb.

It's pure injustice that they got more attention from parents and teachers when they were kids, and grew up to have more friends, landed better jobs, got promoted faster and married other good-looking people.

So we average-lookers like to spite them by hitting where it hurts. We say they're stupid. We give them names like bimbo, air-head or muscle-brain.

After all, anyone so well-endowed in one department must be deficient in another. It's Nature's way of balancing things out.

Deep inside though, we know not all beautiful people are dumb. As hard as it is to stomach, some people do sickeningly possess both brawn and brain.

But it's okay.

We average-lookers have one other grenade to lob against good-lookers, which brings me to point No. 2.

They make lousy partners.

I first heard it when my Mum warned me many years ago to stay away from good-looking boys.

They're trouble.

Last week, her sentiment was echoed in a friend's mother, who also cautioned him against dating pretty girls. They're trouble.

Mothers know things. They've been around longer than we have, so there must be some hard-earned truths behind their caution.

It makes sense too. Good-looking people will always attract attention from the opposite sex, even right up to a ripe old age.

When relationships grow stale or hit a bump, as they always do, they are likely to bail, given the tempting spread of hassle-free options outside.

Good-looking people are also likely to have had many prior relationships than average lookers.

Chances are, you'd have to grapple with the ghosts of their many ex's past, possible entanglements with unresolved break-ups, even blows to your self-esteem when comparisons are made.

Used to being lavished with attention from previous partners, they could also be egotistical, high-maintenance and difficult to please. In other words, you're the slave to their king or queen.
Of course, such behaviour is not the sole domain of good-looking people. Plain-lookers can also be masters of cheating, lying and all manner of despicable behaviour.

But the thing is, good-lookers are more likely to be lousy partners because they have more of what it takes to become one.

Sure, they're great to look at and could make you the envy of your friends. But they're probably not long-term material.

Guys seem to find it harder to resist good looks than girls.

My friend with the anti-pretty-girl mother tells me that all guys, without exception, go for looks.

He says: 'We're made that way. A girl may have a good heart, but if she looks like a sack of potatoes, forget it.'

But we girls are different. Call it innate wisdom or just the biological need to propagate the species, we go for guys who can provide and will stick around. Looks aren't that big a deal.

I consoled him that, in Singapore at least, good-looking women far outnumber good-looking men. So there are many well-adjusted, level-headed women out there who offer both looks and quality.

Good-looking Singapore men? They're hard to come by. So by sheer rarity in species, they are most likely to prove all mothers right.

I posed the good-looks-equals-lousy-partner theory to another friend, who disagreed vehemently.

'Sometimes, ugly people are even more susceptible to straying because they're not used to getting attention. So every time they get it, their heads swell and they'll pursue it,' he says.
Interesting thought.

I guess good looks is no barometer on whether a person will make a good or bad partner.
The real barometer is character.

Traits like honesty, trustworthiness and loyalty will keep a good-looking person decent, and make an average-looking person attractive.

That, more than anything, is the safest bet.

Hmm, at the end of the day of course personal traits like honesty, kindness etc do matter the most. But there is perhaps a game theoretic structure to the process of attraction. To first be able to attract ANY person at all, being good looking is a massive advantage. After all its easier to imagine smooching Wong Li Lin than say Abigail right? Only then does personal characteristics come into the picture. If you do not have the looks, attracting the person requires that much more effort since you have to jump to the second stage directly. Just imagine having to run a marathon when you had barely run 10km before.

As Tong Leng and I concluded, at the end of the day its the whole package which matters, and BOTH physical attributes and personal traits play a role. Though I guess the weights differ from individual to individual. And I guess that's the crux of the problem: if you are not good looking, how do you present your desirable personal traits in such a way such that your overall package is desirable enough to succeed at the second stage? This is of course also dependent on the weights that the other person has. Will he/she die of shock to know that the not-good-looking-but-kind person actually likes himself/herself? It is all very easy being chummy with a kind hearted but not good looking person but to actually like the person back in a romantic kind of way?

And there is also the issue of "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". The girls I have liked so far I believe are all good looking girls. However, it is a chicken and egg situation. Do I like them because they are pretty first? Or do I think they are pretty because I liked them? I believe for myself it is the first one lah (just read the title of my blog duh!) but what about the rest of you? How do you differentiate between liking a person because of the looks and thinking the person is good looking because you like them? Is that even important at all?

And finally the last article:

Jan 24, 2005

For better or worse

Should one attend an ex-girlfriend or ex-boy-friend's wedding? I couldn't, and now regret it

By Karl Ho

I'M NOT a huge fan of weddings.

At best, they give me hope that in a world of philanderers and rising divorce rates, two people can still live happily ever after.

Most of the time, however, weddings just remind me that I'm the last man standing among my peers.

So, to pass the time at these events, I tank up on the bubbly and marvel at how geeky the couple look in the slideshow.

In November last year, my ex-girlfriend invited me to her wedding to be held two days before Christmas.

My ex-girlfriend and I are colleagues. We ended a three-year relationship in early 2003, and while it was quite difficult to face each other initially, we soon learnt to be civil to each other.

We drifted apart after the break-up. But we spoke enough for me to know that she had found a new soulmate.

Still, my face went whiter than a bridal veil when she passed me an invitation card.

I know her invitation was a sincere gesture to a fellow colleague and friend, and so it was just proper that I showed up and gave her my blessings.

But isn't there a cardinal rule somewhere in the world of relationships that says it's a bad idea to go to your ex's wedding? Many of my friends seem to think so.

'What's the point? To be reminded of how you're on your own now whereas your ex has happily moved on?' asks a good guy pal.

'Go only when you've found a girlfriend, preferably better than your ex. Better yet, save your hong bao money and give your new girl a treat,' he adds.

Even one of my more enlightened friends, who encouraged me to go, told me to do so just to prove a point: 'If it were me, I'd go and show everybody there that the wedding doesn't bother me, and then run back to my friends later and bitch about it.'

Most of my colleagues attended my ex's wedding. I went to Hong Kong instead.

IT GOES without saying that unless you're still chummy with your ex, never include him/her in the matrimonial guest list.

What's the point? Are you trying to gloat to your yet-to-be-married ex that 'hey, I got to the finish line first?'

Or are you feeling guilty and want to make amends? Besides, how will you know that your ex won't go psycho on you and jump onto the stage all of a sudden to hold the 'yam seng' toast guy hostage with a dessert fork?

A colleague recounted how a friend had to station men outside her wedding banquet hall to ward off a psychotic ex.

'He wasn't invited. But when he found out, he stalked all the major hotels in the hope of confronting the bride,' he related.

An ex who feels that he/she should be the one walking down the aisle instead can be a dangerous animal.

That's why wedding planners tell couples that both parties must be agreeable - and mentally prepared - when either one wants to invite the ex.

Wedding planner Linna Tan tells me that your spouse's feelings must always be considered.
She says that ultimately, you invite your ex because 'he/she means something to you and you want him/her to celebrate this big day with you.'

So, should one attend an ex's wedding?

Ms Doreen Mok, owner of wedding consultancy The Third Party, says: 'Go when you're ready to give your blessings. But if you can't contain yourself at the wedding, then don't.'

DESPITE insinuations from my other colleagues, I wasn't running away to Hong Kong to avoid my ex's wedding.

I really did need a holiday and had arranged it before I got the invitation.

Still, I'm not sure if I would have really had the stomach to attend the event, even if my air tickets were refundable.

Yes, I've moved on since the break-up and am adjusting well to bachelorhood.

But I'm sure that, hard as I would try not to, my mind would wander from the wedding revelry to once again revisit the past, reminisce on what went right and lament on what went wrong.
Besides, how should I behave towards her parents and siblings, whom I've only seen during the happier days of our courtship?

And would my colleagues also mistake my drinking as that of someone drowning his sorrow? Worse, would I in fact wallow in my Merlot?

Luckily, the solution presented itself in the form of my impending holiday.

In as regrettable a tone as I could muster, I told her I couldn't make it to her big day. Then I bought her a wedding present from Hong Kong.

Seeing how beautiful she looks in the wedding photographs, however, made me feel sad that I didn't attend the event.

In fact, what is worse is how I had let my ungraciousness get in the way of wishing her happiness. Going to her wedding should've been a no-brainer, and I should've gone.

So, I made plans with my ex for coffee, for that long overdue catch-up session. While we're still friends, we've not been updating each other about what's going on in our lives.

And I'm making it a point to attend my ex-ex-girlfriend's wedding in June - if not to give her my blessings, then at least to see how funny she looks in the slideshow.

Hmm not much thoughts about this article, for obvious reasons, but I was intrigued by the slide show comment. I remember attending a wedding like perhaps 5 or 6 years ago at this posh hotel and the bride and groom had a slide show of their life together and that was the first time I had seen it and I was damn impressed. I swore to have one in my wedding. Has it become so common now? Xian... got to think of new ideas to convince someone to marry me. Anybody thinks a skit and song performed by the groom is a good idea? Or perhaps I should just give out model answers for TYS done by me :D